Bella: Ah yes! I love you, Edward!
Edward: [emotionessly] And I... love you... Bella...
[Knocking on door]
Edward: Hold on... Who is it?...
Alucard: Oh, you know...
[Proceeds to shoot Edward from behind the door several times until he dies]
Alucard: A REAL f*cking vampire!
—Episode 1
Alucard: Hm? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. Oh if it isn't the Catholic Church! And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
Anderson: Ahh, and look at what we have here — a bloody heathen!
Alucard: Excuse me, but I'm a f*ck-mothering vampire! I killed a lot of people to get this title; I deserve to be called such!
—Episode 1
Integra: Where's Alucard?
Anderson: Ah, him? I KILLED HIM!
Integra: Killed him?
Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!
Integra: Oh. Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?
Anderson: Ah, Christ!
[Alucard reforms as epic music plays]
Alucard: You done goofed.
Anderson: How in the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that?!
Alucard: f*ck you, that's how.
—Episode 1
Walter: Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter, and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.
Jan: Well ain't you just the textbook f*ckin' definition of classy. But guess what, Jeeves: that garrote wire won't do sh*t for dick against armour this thick. What's that, Alfred? HOW thick is it? Well, half as thick as my DICK, so thick enough that you'd need a f*ckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it! And I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass!
Walter: Police Girl, if you may.
[cut to Seras with the Harkonnen]
Seras: Bitches love cannons.
[Seras fires the cannon, blasting away some of Jan's zombie minions]
Jan: Oh f*ck, that's an anti-tank rifle... OH f*ck, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!
—Episode 2
"Dear Chief Replacement: I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. THAT'S RIGHT. I'M GOING TO f*ck THE FEAR TURKEY. Follow me on Twitter @thecrimsonf*ckr
. Sincerely, Alucard."
—Episode 3
Major: Gentlemen. Operation: Bait Van Winkle is a resounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can move forward with our little... "surprise". However, before we begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet.
Some of you have come to believe that I-like-war. I wish to dash these rumors! I do not like war.
(cut to the Major's eyes)
I. LOVE. WAR.
(view returns back to the rest of the Major)
Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. You get up in the morning, you get into your sh*tty car, und you see a rich CEO who works half as hard as you do drive down the street in his Porsche. Class war.
You make it to work, und you find out that the annual drug test is today. Und you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's awful parents. Drug war.
But zhen, you find out that the only ones being called in for testing are your black und Hispanic co-workers. Race war.
Zhen you try und post about it on your Facebook, but then all your friends start arguing about what's right und what's wrong. Flame war.
You finally get home, und you decide to relax by watching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "Vhat's in ze box?" "How much is what's in ze box verth?" Storage Wars.
[chuckle] Vhat I am telling you, my Nazi army of 1,000 vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. And vith your help over the years, ve are now at ze precipice of our true goal.
You see, I want a simple var. No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars... Und certainly, no Cold Wars! ...Blueballed for 40 years...
What I want is a var that only we can bring. A true war! A German war! The sequel you've all been waiting for!
I! WANT! WORLD! WAR!! THREE!!!''
—Episode 4
Anderson: By Jove, ya f*ckin' hedder of a woman! Surrounded by 50 vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth, and waddaya do? Ya get outta your car, pull out your sword, cut of one of their heads, and yell 'Come at me, ya kraut sh*ts!' No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil - I'm thinkin' about growin' some flowers myself, ha ha ha!
—Episode 5
Anderson: Who are we?
Paladins of Iscariot: The necessary evil!
Anderson: Why are we necessary?
Paladins: To purge the world of evil worse than man!
Anderson: And why are we, God's chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task?
Paladins: Because no-one else will!
Anderson: And because it's f*ckin' FUN! AHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAH-AAAAAAAA-MEN!
—Episode 5
Pip Bernadotte: Quick reminder to everyone on the ground floor: these are vampires. Much like ma chère, they won't go down that easy. And a night on the town and a little bit of wine won't woo them over. You will have to show them that you care. Make them feel like they're the only thing that exists for you in this world. And then, when they finally open their legs...give them everything...and leave nothing.
—Episode 6
Maxwell: Listen up, those who have come to serve the unyielding will of our Almighty God! We have come together this night, under the glow of a London inferno, in the eyes of our Lord, for one divine reason... f*ck THE NEW POPE!
(paladins cheer)
Maxwell: That Argentinian windbag has ruined us! Prattling on and on about the poor... We are the House of God, not a f*cking soup kitchen!
Italy: Thank you! Even we're sick of feeding people! And we're Italian!
Maxwell: And what does he do with the golden throne? Replaces it with a WOODEN CHAIR! Probably carved by more poor people!
Mexico: Jesus was a king first! Carpenter second!
Maxwell: And do not start me on the hom*osexuals. Oh, if you love them so much, why don't you f*cking marry them?! You seem so OK with the concept!
Canada: Yeah, f*ck bro! It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and another dude and they're havin' sex!
Maxwell: And he has the gall to renounce the Old Testament as "mere stories"! "We should be more like Jesus and congregate with whor*s, and hom*osexuals, and POOR PEOPLE!"
Polandnote: Yeah! Perhaps we can all just agree that, maybe, Jesus wasn't the Son of God!
Maxwell: We are the congregation of a wrathful God! We shall begin a new papist succession and I shall lead us in the 9th Crusade! For I am your leader, THE NEW POPE! And after we are finished purging England of its demons and heathens...WE! WILL!
KKK Member: Round up all those dirty ni-
Maxwell: OK, YOU need to CHILL!
—Episode 6
Lt. Zorin Blitz: Real quick... does anyone want to explain what we just witnessed?
Vampire Nazi Soldier: Ah, I think that was Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise by Sega.
Zorin: Okay, but... why did it have a foot-long erection?
Vampire Nazi Soldier: The fanbase is... diverse.
Zorin: You mean f*cking weird!
Vampire Nazi Soldier: It's a matter of perspective, really.
—Episode 7
Alucard: Listen to me, Draculina! You are so much stronger than you let yourself be!
Seras: How do you know?!
Alucard: Because, behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the will to live. Now, stop running from who you are. Confront it. Embrace it! And go for it's f*cking throat! LIKE A REAL f*ckING VAMPIRE!
—Episode 7
Zorin: Zat look, how?! I cut out your eyes! How can you look at me like that?!
Seras: f*ck you, that's how! (Zorin growls in frustration) Zorin, was it? Listen, Zorin, this whole f*cking place is my house. You ain't the queen vampire bitch here; I am. And you know what we Brits always say... God. Save. The Queen."
—Episode 7
Maxwell: For ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing and I will receive you. note
Little Boy: Mummy, what's that man talking about?
Maxwell: Yes, my fellow Christians! We have come to save you!
Civilian: Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!
Maxwell: FROM YOURSELVES!!!
Civilian: Oh no, it's the Catholic Church.
—Episode 8
Maxwell: YES! Cleanse the Earth of these sinners! May the Lord have mercy! For I! HAVE! NONE!
Integra: You know, I think your boy Maxwell's letting his new authority get to his head a little. You should probably have a talk with him.
Heinkel: He's — he's just under a lot of pressure!
Maxwell: You do not deserve God's MERCY! If He will not turn you to the afterlife, THEN I WILL!!
Heinkel: I mean, words only have as much meaning as we give them.
Maxwell: Sinners will be allowed no quarter! Kill them all! LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!
Integra: You're right, a lot open to interpretation there.
Heinkel: Perhaps one of us should have a talk with him.
Maxwell: I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!!!
Anderson: Aye, let me go have a wee chat.
Integra: Oh, I have an idea.
Anderson: Woman...
Integra: Why not write down a formal protest?
Anderson: Don't you dare...
Integra: You can nail it to his door...
Anderson: Don't you f*ckin' dare!
Integra: Like a Protestant!
—Episode 8
Integra: f*ck it; dropping the formalities. Alucard! Go for a walk.
Alucard: When hope is gone, undo this lock. And send me forth on a moonlit walk. Release Restraint Level...ZERO.
—Episode 8
The Major: It's kind of hilarious, in a mundane way.
Maxwell: NO NO NO NO NO!
Herr Doktor: What is, Herr Major?
Maxwell: NO NO NO NO NO!
The Major: That none of these vhaffle munchers ever put it together that "Alucard" backwards is...
Maxwell: DRACULAAAAAA?!
Herr Doktor: To be fair, how long did it take for us to figure that out?
The Major: A fair point. But, ve vere very busy planning World War Three...!
Herr Doktor: True. Also, it looks like our forces are being quite literally slaughtered!
The Major: Ha! Who gives a sh*t?! Zey're Nazis!
Maxwell: HA! Stupid demon-zombies! Claw away all you want! The only thing that can pierce my Holy Pope Box is the will of God hims-
(cue Anderson's bayonet piercing the glass as Maxwell looks on in horror while Anderson giggles maniacally)
Maxwell: ANDERSON! POR QUE?!
Anderson: It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic, and the false god.
(Maxwell immediately gets an Oh, Crap! reaction as he had just moments before declared A God Am I)
Anderson: Also you're a daft c*nt!
Maxwell: ANDERSON...! ANDERSON, I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!
Anderson: Sinners will be allowed no quarter. Kill them all, and let God sort them out.
(cue Maxwell getting impaled, screaming and drowning in his own blood)
—Episode 8
Anderson: To the Iscariot order and all surviving crusaders: fall back to the Vatican!
Heinkel: But Father Anderson, we were under orders to-
Anderson: You don't have to follow orders when your leader's acting like a daft c*nt! Also, Maxwell's dead, so...
Heinkel: Oh... that's a... tragedy...
Anderson: Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be crying all day. Now follow my orders; there's something I must take care of.
Heinkel: Father Anderson, there is no way you can beat Alucard the way he is now.
Anderson: Maybe you're right, Heinkel... But I want to take a stab at it anyway.
—Episode 8
Dracula: Alucard is not here right now. You face Count Dracula of Wallachia.
Anderson: Call yourself whatever you like, you crazy vampire bastard! I'm here to cleanse the earth of your filth, once and for all!
Dracula: Many have tried and failed. Yet if it is my fate to fall to your blade... then let it be so... worthy opponent.
Anderson: Time the f*ck out. If we're doing this—and we are doing this—I'm not gonna come swinging at Dracula! I'm killin' Alucard!
Dracula: You... do know that it's just my name spelled—
Anderson: Of course I do! (starts producing bayonets out of nowhere) Shut up and bring him out!
(Anderson throws a couple of blades, which are countered by bullets, one of which explodes the Iscariot's left hand)
Dracula: (sighs) Very vell... If you insist
(Dracula's cloak obscures the camera as Alucard's twin pistols emerge)
Alucard: Hey there, Padre! How's Little Timmy? You know what's good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? Holy water! Didja miss me?
Anderson: Like co*ke after Lent!
Alucard: Wait, are we talking cola or cocai- (fight starts)
—Episode 8
Anderson: Any last words, monster?
Alucard: Have you ever though about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink before they wake up in an hour.
(Anderson pulls a small wooden box out of his coat)
Alucard: Oh, sweet! You've got some on ya!
Anderson: I forgive you.
Alucard: ...Excuse me?
Anderson: Everything you've said. Everything you've done. I forgive you.
Alucard: Well, isn't that convenient? But it's not up to YOU, is it? It's up to your precious God.
Anderson: You're right. (Brandishes the Nail of Helena) Would you like to speak to Him?
Heinkel: Isn't zat one of ze nails zat pierced Christ's body?!
Yumie: Hai. (Yup.)
Heinkel: From ze "Don't f*ck Vith This" Armory?!
Yumie: Haaai. (Yuuup.)
Heinkel: Vere they keep ze Ark of ze Covenant, ze Dead Sea Scrolls, and ze ACTUAL Body of Christ?!
Yumie: Haaaaaai. (Yuuuuuup.)
Alucard: Ooh la la! You've got a nail with some Savior juice on it! Whatcha gonna do, stab me through the heart?
Anderson: Not yours...
Alucard: (Growling with rage) NO, NO, NO...
Anderson: MINE.
Alucard: Nonononono no no NO!!!
(Anderson stabs himself through the heart with the nail and goes One-Winged Angel)
Anderson: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace,
Anderson/God: And I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.note
—Episode 8
Alucard: How does a bastard, orphaned, son of a whor*
And a Scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot
In an Italian village without a roof for sleeping under
Grow up to be a deadly demon hunter?
Seras "Police Girl" Victoria: The paladin, Catholic Father without a father
Got a lot farther by working a lot harder
By being a lot smarter
By being a self-starter at 14
Who knew he was gonna become a martyr?
Pip Bernadotte: And so he got a job with the mob smuggling heroin
But soon the law was hot on his trail, pursuit was narrowing
So he disguised himself as a priest and a SamaritanAnd felt the urge to be much more than a barbarian
The Major: Then a vampire came and devastation reigned
Our man saw this monster sucking blood from people's veins
So he took a holy blade and he stabbed it in the brain!
The vampire was slain, the incident lit a flame!
Alucard: Well, the word got around, they said "This kid is insane, man!"
Took up a collection just to send him to the Vatican
"Get your ordination, don't forget from whence you came
And the world's gonna know your name"
What's your name, man?
Alexander Anderson: Alexander Anderson
My name is Alexander Anderson
And I like killing things because it's fun
So just you pray
Just you pray
Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: And that was how he found a home back in Rome, joined Iscariot
Trained him how to fight and defend the Proletariat
Paired him with a deadly sidekick; a Kraut chick
Iscariot Choir: Injected him with nanobots and now he heals quick
Major: Protestants and heathens are something that he could not abide
Killing 'em filled him right up with pride, something new inside
A voice saying
Iscariot Choir: "Alex, you gotta humble yourself"
Major: He started retreating and reading every Bible on the shelf
Alucard: There would've been nothing left to do for someone less astute
He would've been dead or destitute without a cent of restitution
Started writing, fighting for the Church and the good Lord
Killing ghouls and zombie fools and all of Satan's demon horde
Slaying every undead freak he could get his hands on
Praying God would keep him meek as he lands on
The green earth of the Em'rald Island
Iscariot's sending him off to Ireland
Iscariot Choir: Alexander Anderson (Alexander Anderson)
Jesus is the only king for you (He's the only king for you)
You never backed down, you took your own death in
Stride, oh
Alexander Anderson (Alexander Anderson)
When the Seraphim sing for you
Will they open the pearly gates?
Will they know you embraced your fate?
The world will never be the same, oh
Alucard: He should've gotten more in life than what his Savior brought him
Iscariot Choir: Just you pray
Alucard: A life of piety and this is what it got him?
Iscariot Choir: Just you pray
Alucard: To sacrifice his personhood is what the Church had taught him
Iscariot Choir: We fought with him!
Enrico Maxwell: Me? I died to him!
Integra: Me? I hated him!
Kris: Me? I loved him.
Alucard: And me? Well, I'm the vampire that shot him
Anderson: I like killing things because it's fun
Iscariot Choir: So just you pray
Alucard: What's your name, man?
Iscariot Choir: Alexander Anderson!
— "Alexander Anderson (Hamilton Parody)", Episode 8 Ending Theme
Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: The gates of Hell are going to have to open wide to let your fat ass in.
The Major: Ah fräulein, if I'm so fat... How did you miss? (Lying in a pool of metal and gore.) Ah, nevermind. Crack shot, damen.
Integra: I'm sorry, what the f*ck am I looking at? Is that...metal and oil?! Are you a cyborg? WHY ARE YOU A CYBORG?!
Major: I am no less a man than anyone with a pacemaker or hearing aid. For what is the marker of a man, but his interminable will?
Integra: No! A man is a hom*o-sapien made of meat and blood, not cogs and coolant and I'm just going to assume a hamster on a wheel!
Major: His name is Hamburg.
Integra: ...You're just f*cking with me.
Major: And you finally get it. I...I see the line. The factory seal on society. A world mired in complacency, slaves to their instincts, and fueled by anger and hatred. A rocket propellant as volatile as it is potent, and frighteningly self-sustaining.
Integra: Is there a rest stop between now and the f*cking point?
Major: The point, Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, is that we are nothing but scared, spiteful children playing at adulthood, a fictitious lie of comfort and, even more repugnant, complacence! So what is a man to do but wage war so calamitous and glorious that it would snap humanity out of its foolish, worthless charade?! And who better an opponent than Hellsing?
— Episode 10
"You're not entirely wrong. You just didn't have to be such an asshole about it."
— Integra, in response to the above, Episode 10
Alucard's Soul: Are we a bad person?
Alucard: ...Well, let's start with the 20,000 people we impaled.
Alucard's Soul: We were pretty mad at Dad that day.
Alucard: And before you ask, YES! THIS IS A JOJO REFERENCE!!
Walter: Part 1 was the best!
Alucard: Ah, you would say that, you f*cking Brit! note
The Major: I prefer Part 2. note
"Hellsing's a silly show, because it's about someone who is flawed trying to take out things that are even more flawed. I think there's something kind of neat about that. But if there's any meaningful takeaway — I know, "It's just an anime re-dub/cartoon." — ...since I have a big audience here I can say a couple of things. You're not where you are right now. You're where you're going. And if you accept that which you cannot control, then you control that which you have accepted. I love everyone who is sitting beside me. All the mods in the back, you guys have helped facilitate an amazing community. And I mean this honestly, we owe you so much. I am aware I have the distinct pleasure that many creators strive for their entire life, which is an audience for art I believe in. Everything can be made fun of. Nothing is above ridicule. And as I move forward, in the beginning of working on my original series, this is an amazing lesson in what can happen if you just work with people, focus on what you're good at, and do your best. In the end, you're gonna make mistakes, some of them bad, but...5 steps forward is still a step forward. Thank you all so much for giving this silly idea a shot. From the bottom of my heart, thank you."
— Takahata101, at the end of the live premiere stream of Episode 10.
